After some convincing by my husband, I made myself take that motorcycle ride. I rode east on interstate 80, as fast as the speed limit would allow. Then I rode slowly back towards home through town as the sun set. I have to say I found a great deal of peace in that ride. I allowed myself to do something that I enjoy and I loved every minute of it. The feeling of riding my motorcycle is the closest thing to what I imagine the feeling of flying to be. It is complete freedom while maintaining total control. No one took my joy from me. I will still have many many moments of joy in my life.
I am even ready to go back to work tomorrow. I can do this.
It may be much more able to finally get over these feelings when my 10 weeks is up and I don't have to go and pretend anymore. I found a little bit of the real me today again, and I am not so bad. I certainly do not deserve to be thrown away by anyone, nor feel that way.
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