Adjusting to work at home

It is tough to adjust to the fact that there is no longer somewhere to go every day from 8 - 5. Doing job searches all day and waiting to file that unemployment claim every week can be depressing and tiring. The countless rejection letters and emails can shake your confidence.
In order to keep your spirits up, find something to do! Here are some ideas that I am using to keep my spirits up and make this transition a bit easier.

1. Set up a home office and get organized. I have a place in my home (in the same room with a big window and fireplace!) with my desk and file drawer. It is just mine, and not used by the rest of the family.
2. Make a to-do list and keep it up. I have daily and weekly tasks on my list and also a list of all of those things that I have wanted to get done but did not have enough time to do.
3. Stay on schedule. Go to bed and arise at the same times. Get dressed for the day and feel presentable while at your desk.
4. Find things to do that you enjoy. This is the time I can spend extra time with my 9 year old and I make sure it is valuable and enjoyable for both of us.
5. Find a way to add a bit of temporary income if you can. Can you get a paper route, get some contract work, a part time job, babysitting for others, etc? 
6. Take some time to do some honest reflection on what you want to do with your career. When you have made some plans, use this time to begin planning and researching how you are going to go about it.
7. Write your goals for yourself. Maybe you want a 6 month goal, a 1 year goal, and a 5 year goal. This helps you stay focused on the steps necessary to reach your goals.
8. Find ways to save money. Do you need everything you are paying for monthly? Can you clip some coupons to save on the things you must purchase now? Make some calls to debtors and explain your situation to see if they have a "hardship" policy. Many places will assist you for a short term during your job loss, helping you get back on your feet again. My cell phone company gave me a 6 month commitment to lower my bill by 30% when I explained my situation.
9. Try some volunteering to help others if you have extra time on your hands. You probably will not look for a job 40 hours per week, so you can build your resume and make some new contacts by volunteering somewhere locally. If you have your eye on an employer that you would like to work for, inquire whether they have volunteer opportunities for you. This will make you feel worthwhile, get you out of the house, and build your experience.
10. Work on your physical appearance. Exercise & eat healthy! This is time you can invest in you.

When something bad like a job loss happens to you, remember that it will get better! Take the steps you need to take towards your goals, and keep stepping! Don't give up. Don't stay in bed. Don't isolate yourself. Continue to care for yourself and reach out to others. There is something better for you waiting around a corner.

Help me understand

Screw acceptance.  I am forced to accept the rejection from my employer, so I carry on.  Everytime this song by Trace Adkins comes on the radio, it feels like my guts are ripping out again.  HELP ME UNDERSTAND what happened to the relationship I had with a company that I planned to retire from.  Tonight finds me inexplicably and irrationally angry all over again.  I blame it on Trace.  Here are the lyrics that sent me over the edge again.  Moral of the story; no country music for a while.
Help me understand:
Once in a lifetime
You'll open up your heart
Maybe once in your lifetime
You'll swear to never be apart
You think your love's on solid ground
Then out of the blue, it all comes tumblin' down

Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light
'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've got
How can love just stop
Tell Me
Somebody help me understand

And my picture in your locket
What will you do with it now
All our friends and all our memories
Tell me how we sort them out
What's yours is yours
What's mine is mine
Is that all that's left
After all this time

Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light
'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've got
How can love just stop
Tell Me
Somebody help me understand

Help me understand
Why I'm not part of our plan
And you don't need me anymore
Help me understand
Why I still wanna be where you are
Even though I know in my heart
You don't love me anymore

Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light
'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've got
How can love just stop
Tell Me
Somebody help me understand

Role identity

As acceptance settles in, I find  role identity to be a bit of a stumbling block.  What am I?  Not who am I, but what do I do?  I know I will get faced with that question from someone soon and I don't know the answer I will give.  My friend reminds me frequently that we are not our job, but how does one define who they are without a job? 
There are many potential answers to that question swirling in my mind:

• Writer and Blogger -  I feel that doesn't quite tell it, as it is more of a hobby at this point than a career.
• Stay at home mom - That is close, but doesn't seem to quite fit a 50 year old woman raising a 9 year old grandchild, who goes to school all day, especially since I aspire to more.
• Network marketer - I am involved with a network marketing company but something about that title just invokes a negative connotation to people, like all I focus on is selling them some product they don't need to make myself money.. that is not what I want to be.  Even though I want to stay involved on a successful level with Isagenix, it will not be by hard sell to family and friends!
• Unemployed - that seems a bit negative too, although true at this time.  But is also insinuates that I am specifically looking for my next corporate opportunity, and in truth, I am not sure how hard I am looking yet.  
• Opportunity seeker - my husband says that sounds kind of seedy, and I guess it does.

So overall, when someone asks what I do for a living, I will have to answer some vague spiel that probably sounds a bit lame and confusing.  Perhaps that is exactly the problem!  I feel a bit lame and confused.  Lame in the sense that I feel emotionally crippled right now due to the recent loss and lower self esteem, and confused because I really don't have a clear vision for what I will be doing 1 year from now.
I was told in the past that I had vision.  Not that I could see the future really, but that I was always thinking out about 3 years.  The difficult part I had was to get others to see the same vision I was seeing and take the steps necessary to take us there as a team. 
Now that I am just a team of one (or two, if you count the husband), I should just be able to see this fantastic vision and work the steps I need to get there. 
Aha!  Here is the answer to my conundrum: "I support those who desire weight loss and enhanced health, while beginning a writing career."
I think that is "my true north". 

Have It All:Health, Wealth & Freedom

This too shall pass

Everytime I think I am handling all of this so remarkably well, I get slapped across the face with a wave of sadness.  Today, thinking about Christmas being just 2 weeks away, I started to cry.  It came totally out of the blue.  It is just hard to face a Christmas that was so uncertain, with no way to pay off the credit card for the usual purchases I have made in the past for the kids.  With an uncertain financial future, we must make some sacrifices and this is just a crappy time of year to make those sacrifices.  Children want so much, and frankly mine are used to having most of what they want eventually.  Not this year.  Christmas has been called off for the adult children and adult family members, with plans to scale down what we do for the little ones.  Yes, it is supposed to be about family and Jesus and all that, and it is, but it has always been about presents too.  This was the time of year to dig deep and give what we would pay off in January. 
It is not necessarily a bad thing for the kids.  None of us really need anything we don't have already.  The problem isn't disappointing them, I think it is disappointing myself.  I have been playing a lot of the "I should have, could have, would have if I had just known" game in my head.  That is pretty self destructive.  It is not making me feel better.  It is not leading me to acceptance of this situation.  It is just contributing to this self doubt.  I need to shake it off.
I keep reading about doing an "honest self assessment" in order to know what you want in your future or what you should be pursuing, but I am still unable to complete an honest self assessment.  I am feeling pretty low right now and what I do well is not occurring to me easily.
In the meantime, I battled the grief today and set up the Christmas tree.  I continue to step one foot in front of the other in hopes that this will pass and one day it will all seem normal again inside of me.  One thing that helps me is that I have lists of tasks every day that need to be done and I make sure I keep trudging through them one at a time to continue to have a feeling of accomplishment and forward movement.  I suppose "this too shall pass".

The First Week of not working

My first week at home being a professional opportunity seeker is now over and I survived.  Emotionally, the week went better than I expected.  I didn't sit around and fuss and cry or carry on at all.  I had a full plate of items to deal with this week, like doctor appointments, phone calls, unemployment, applying for jobs, etc.
I spent a fair amount of time this week examining every "on line survey for money" website.  My conclusion after that exercise is that there can't be anybody making enough money on those to be worth it.  That proved to be a futile waste of time and energy, as non of them really appear to be more than scams.
Writing for an on-line web content company has been a good experience.  With 3 articles under my belt this week, I am honing my writing skills and learning new things every day.  I must say I have at least enjoyed that work and it has been challenging but it doesn't pay squat.  Just a few dollars per short article...  I will not pay the rent with that job.  Additionally, it takes the company a few hours to approve your work so that you can pick up another assignment so I will be lucky to get one done per day, for a total monthly salary of a little over $60 at that rate.
Even applying for unemployment has been frustrating.  I applied on line and even got an acceptance letter in the mail telling me my benefits start this week so today I went in to make my weekly claim.  I entered that I did not earn any money this week at my job and it would not let me submit as it kept giving me the warning that it "knew" I was paid some severance or vacation money this week.  So now I have to call the unemployment office and find out what figure they want me to put in that spot, or if I can even qualify for unemployment right now at all.
I had one positive experience today with my cellular phone carrier.  I called and asked them how to lower my monthly cell phone bill.  I explained my current situation to the customer service gal, named Sharon.  She was very kind to immediately give me a 30% discount on my basic plan cost for the next 6 months.  I thought that was phenomenal service.  The funniest part about that was that Sharon was counseling me on getting my next job in nursing.  She was certain that I could re-locate to Oklahoma and begin my nursing career over there, as she saw help wanted signs all the time in her home town.  Or perhaps, she thought, I could be a traveling nurse like her niece did last year.  Thanks Sharon! 
It has been a most interesting week, but not filled with opportunities knocking on my door yet!

Make Job Loss Work for You

A dear friend presented my with this short book at lunch the other day.  It has been a good read so far and may help others of you who are dealing with re-building your life and career after the devastation of job loss.  It is written specifically for those of us who have been laid off or having life changes that require us to pick up and start over.  It covers:

• emotional baggage and healing
• self -assessment
• employment options
• resumes
• interviewing
• job searches
• starting your new job

It even includes a little ditty in the back on self-employment.  This book seems to cover the gamut.  Certainly there is something to learn here.  I included another link for an additional book that might be helpful.  Certainly at the prices of Amazon's used books, we have affordable resources at our fingertips!  Good luck to all of you and don't lose the faith!

Fear of the unknown

For the last two nights, I have had a recurring dream.  It seems so real when I wake up that I believe it was real for a few minutes. 
The dream involves getting a phone call from the CEO, requesting I come back to work for her.  There has been much more to the dream, of course.  In my dreams, this all plays out the way I wish it would have, and I feel reassured in the morning for a few moments, that I am valued again.  Then reality hits again and I am back to sitting at home, wondering what my next move should be.
To collect unemployment in Iowa, you must apply for at least two jobs every week.  That is frightening right now, on several fronts.  One fear I have is that I will apply for countless jobs and never be hired or wanted for any of them.  Another fear I have is that I will be offered a job, but it will be the wrong fit for me, and I will end up back in this situation again. 
The final fear I have is that I will feel the pressure to accept a job offer and climb back aboard that "hamster wheel of full time employment", forsaking dreams I have of being able to support myself through independent ventures.  Due to the fear of the unknown, the most comfortable position would be one of knowing where you were going every day, and what you would be doing, and what money you could count on every so often for your labor.  To trade hours at work for money in hand is what 95% of the people in the world do and where they feel most comfortable, myself included.  It is the 5% of the people in the world that I would like to emulate; those that pave their own way, the entrepreneurs.   Most of us look at those type of people and think they are somehow blessed or lucky, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that those are the people that have a vision and a plan of execution, and they believe in themselves. 
The two hardest things about being laid off for me are missing my friends in my old work environment and the fear of the unknown.

How it really feels to be laid off....

Today is my first day at home with no job.  Yesterday was just too busy to fully evaluate this feeling with my mother in the hospital, lunch plans with a dear friend, appointments to keep, a cell phone to re-program, etc.  Today the "rubber hits the road" and...  I am kind of pissed off all over again.  Today I might have too much time on my hands because I have an overwhelming urge to clean the house from top to bottom.  This may be a good idea, though, because it would keep me busy enough not to send "nasty-grams" to people for taking my job from me.  The anger is a bit irrational, actually, and I know that, but it is there nonetheless.
I am used to spending evenings in front of my computer relaxing after a full day of work, with the television playing Sponge Bob in the background (I have a 9-year old daughter), but today in front of my computer feels too much like work for no money at all!  Today has been full of making appointments to manage the little money we have coming in the door, and searching for ways to make a little money on line.
My resume was printed this am and I have it prepared to mail to a company to begin my job search, yet it still sits in front of me and not in the mailbox.  No matter how many times I (and others) have assured myself that my position elimination was not personal, I feel unwanted and unsure of where I belong.  I fear being unacceptable in a new environment and it makes me anxious when I consider sending this resume to a new company.
Today I have also had to come to grips with answering the question of "what are you going to do?", and my answer being "I don't know yet".  That makes me feel like a big loser because I really don't know what I am going to do or where I am going to work, or if I am going to work at all.
So the "stinking thinking" has crept back in me today... tomorrow I am excited to leave the house in the morning for a mammogram... now that is pathetic!  But this too shall pass, and at least I am going to learn a little patience through this experience.

My Smart Phone is smarter than I am

Here is a lesson that you can learn from my mistake.  Owning a smart phone is making me realize that I am not smart at all.  Using it to store all my contact, phone numbers, email addresses, etc, for years, it never occurred to me that it would fail me.  At my job, I had an Microsoft outlook account and someone smarter than I had trained my smart phone to sync with my work outlook account periodically so that I could see emails from work at any time.  I found this very convenient, albeit a little overwhelming, and I knew that when my access to the work email account (forgive the non-techie talk here), was turned off, that my phone might get confused.  So on Friday afternoon I visited the office of my cellular carrier and asked for assistance so that the brilliant phone would not get as confused as I had become with the syncing feature.  The technician at the store successfully removed my work outlook account from my phone and I considered the separation from my job final. 
What happened this weekend was truly alarming.  I went to find one of the hundreds of phone numbers that I thought were stored in my brilliant phone and found an EMPTY contact list.  Oh my goodness, what panic set in today, as I was trying to call a family member to tell them about my ill mother and could not call them because I did not know his cell number and my phone would not tell me either. 
Fortunately I remembered the cell phone number of my ex-CEO (sad that I knew her number, but not my father's) and called her beseeching her to help me somehow reconnect that stupid phone to the work system so that I could restore my phone numbers.  She was very understanding and said she would try to help me Monday morning, and I appreciated that a great deal, still feeling a bit panicked by losing all my contacts.  Hopefully, the really smart people in the IT department can do something to provide me all my numbers again.
If you have one of those smart phones and rely on it, make sure and have a back up plan in case you don't have access to the main database suddenly.  I will make sure and do that from now on! 

The last day of work

The last day of my employment was yesterday.  I knew I was not really "ready" to leave when I got to the parking lot and began to cry such that I could not get out of the car.  A song had just come on by Trace Adkins with lyrics about his "love" dumping him and he kept singing "help me understand".  I don't know if that was the full trigger to my emotions, or the fact that I removed my parking permit to return to the company.  But either way, the damn burst and I spent 10 - 15 minutes just sitting in the car crying.  I did not know if I could get in the building, but I reached out to my daughter on the phone, like a life-line, and asked her to "talk me inside".  She did a great job of calming me down enough to walk to the length of the parking lot in to the building that had seemed like home for so long. 
Once I got to my office, I calmed down and got to the business of making it my last day.  I had a few loose ends to tie up and had been invited to a final lunch date by a close friend so I had that to look forward to.  A few people stopped by my office that morning to wish me well, and that elicited a bit of emotion but nothing I couldn't breathe through. 
Lunch was fantastic and the only part of the day that felt normal.  She took me to our favorite haunt and we ate and laughed like it was a normal day.  Then I faced my empty desk and office again after lunch.
I want to tell you that for a while after lunch, I did not think I could get up and actually leave my office.  At one point I pictured myself just sitting there until Saturday morning, refusing to leave, but reality set in about 1:30pm and I realized I might as well just leave and get it over with. 
My office is (was) on the 3rd floor so I started there, visiting people and getting hugs.  Although it was so sad for me, I really felt loved by the people that I had worked with for so long.  I got genuine hugs and well wishes and a card or two.  I hit every floor on the way down to the front door and it took me almost an hour and a half to see everyone that I could say goodbye to.  By the time I reached the front door, I felt a bit of peace, at least in the fact that no "particular someone" did not want me around anymore, but that it was only an organizational decision that I should not let hurt me so much. 
I did not send a blanket email to everyone telling them goodbye.. I just could not trust myself to write it.  So there are people that I cared for that I have not told goodbye and that makes me sad.  I don't want them to feel that I purposely excluded them.
So on the last day of my job, the first day of my unemployed status, I finally felt a bit of closure.  I suppose this is not the end of the grieving process, but I can tell you with a certainty, that this is the first day of the rest of my life!

Keep your integrity when you are let go

It is important for me to know that my time in an organization left it better than I found it.  Not only do we work for money, we also go to work every day to make a valuable contribution.  When they tell you that they do not want your contribution anymore to their company, it hurts, and feels personal, no matter how they term it.  That is unavoidable, you cannot control how you feel about something. 
There are so many things out of our control, but our behaviors are well within our control.  How we respond is the only thing we can control in this life, so react in such a way as to save your integrity.  I have tried, throughout this ordeal, to conduct myself in such a way that I am remembered in a positive light.  If I do something now to bring disfavor upon myself, I will be remembered for that and not for all the good I have contributed to this organization.  So I have carefully deleted only my personal files, being careful not to delete anything that belongs to the company.  Here is a tip for you:  Anything you created for the company during your employment with them belongs to them, not to you.  I was diligent these last few weeks to make sure and finish any unfinished business for my department that needed to be done.  I have given my opinion about what I think should happen, even knowing that my opinion was probably not going to matter anymore.  I am careful in my exit this week to take from my desk only what is mine, that I purchased with my own money during the course of the 12 years here.  I am trying hard to keep relationships intact as I leave and to help those around me accept their own grief and begin to work through it.
The organization, itself, does not matter.  It is not alive and it does not care.  What makes a truly great organization is the people inside of it.  Everyone from the top to the bottom play a part in keeping an organization viable and strong.  I am taking the people with me, in my heart at least!  Being laid off or having your position eliminated, or even being walked out the door, cannot erase all the great memories I have, nor all the growth I have had.  I take who I am with me when I leave tomorrow, and I take hundreds of people that I would not have had the opportunity to know without this experience.  I will always cherish the relationships I have established and always appreciate the skills and growth I have acquired.  Leaving tomorrow will not erase those things.
So be careful and thoughtful when you exit an organization.  Even if you feel anger or resentment, leave it better than you found it so you will be remembered for the good you brought and keep your relationships intact!