Insecurities Galore

I spend a fair amount of time each day replaying the last year of my job.  I think back to conversations and activities that I have engaged in, wondering when someone decided that I did not belong in this company.  I wonder how long ago this decision was made.  I think of everything I may have done that could have been a mistake and caused this to happen.  I try to keep it framed in the manner it was presented to me: that my "position" was eliminated, but I keep returning to the feeling that "I was eliminated".  I struggle with self doubt and wonder if I will ever be good enough for any job, a feeling that will truly keep me sitting home in my pajamas and pathetic unless I can shake it!
Now as I try to make different plans for my future, I have some ideas, but none involve working in a corporation in a management position.  The thought of the fragility of that next position scares me to death.  I really do not want to live through this again. 
My future plans are starting to take shape.  Unfortunately, without a good dose of self-confidence, I fear I will be crippled in the implementation of my plan.  I do not want to work for someone else.  I want to work for me.  I would like to be a free-lance writer.  Even as I have shared this idea tentatively with a few close people, it has seemed ridiculous.  Who am I to think I can do something like that?  I know I will need to find the conviction to continue through the rejection that writing brings, but with enough support and encouragement I may be able to persevere. 
I feel a little better just putting that plan in writing.  Thank you for reading it. 

Staying at work may be harder than leaving

The generous offer to stay in my current position for 12 weeks is going to prove to be challenging, I think.  Week one is over now and I have 11 more to go.  It is important for me to leave things in the best possible way I can for whomever succeeds or has survived me, for I know the challenges of the work I have been doing.  Having been at a director-level for years, I have worked to develop policies, people, and successes for my department.  Now I worry about leaving that department and those people, being unsure of who will "take care of them".  I don't know if that is common or not, but it feels strange and conflicting to want the best for an organization that betrayed me as a person.  Just this week I packed up several rubbermaid containers with my personal things and had to get a cart to wheel my many plants out to my car.  My office is very barren now, but I think I will appreciate that in the long run, as I cannot let myself believe anymore that my contributions matter.  If I continue to invest my whole self into that job, I risk hurting even more.  I can certainly do the job for 11 more weeks while reminding myself not to invest so much of myself in it that I have to grieve further down the road. 
There are other difficult situations to deal with, such as the meeting of the management team that I was invited to prior to being laid off and uninvited to after being laid off.  It was not with cruel intentions that I don't belong in that meeting but with the realization that my vision for the future of the company is no longer needed.  So while my peers go off-site for the day to strategically plan, I will stay behind.
Speaking of peers, I really feel the loss there.  Several of my peers have not spoken to me since this announcement.  I wonder if they think that being laid off is contagious?  I wonder if they avoid my eye contact due to their own insecurities?  I also spend a bit of time wondering if they know something about my situation that I don't know?  Perhaps there was a meeting in which they all discussed why I had to leave?  Or perhaps they "voted me off the island"?  These thoughts I have actually make me smile sometimes because I wonder how I could come up with such absurd things to think.  Yet I still wonder "why me" and since I can't come up with answers, I imagine some crazy things.
Well, eleven more weeks to go.  Have you heard the term "dead man walking"?  I feel like I am on death row some moments.  I don't think that feeling is going to get any better.

Some words from a friend

A dear friend left a note on my desk yesterday before she left on vacation.  Here is what the note said:  

• You are blessed!  
• You have all you need.  
• God is with you.  
• Follow your heart.  
• The right people for your life love you - The rest don't matter.  
• Listen to those who love you - Ignore the rest
• Ignore the voices of people trying to hurt you - They try to transfer their pain to you.
• Others attempt to apply what's in their heads to you - reject it.
• There comes a time to move away from things that won't change.
• Change your thoughts.

 I think that is one of the nicest things anyone has said to me in a while.  William Arthur Ward wrote "A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities."

Be a friend

Returning to work out the remainder of my three months of job was a difficult thing to do on Monday morning.  A large part of me wishes to never set foot through the doors of the company that is now the cause of such pain for me, but big girls have to suck it up and do what is right for their family and what is right for others around us.  On Monday, I returned to my office determined not to show the negative emotions to anyone.  How long do you think that worked?  Well, really, until about noon.  Of course, a secret such as WHO WERE the 18 people that were layed off cannot be kept in any company.  Communication had occurred to the masses and the rumor mill had become active and accurate for the most part.  Being the only member of management in the 18 gave me a bit of a high profile as well, and it has been interesting to see the way people have reacted to me this week.  I chose to tell some of them that did not know, figuring that they should find out from me and not the rumor mill.  I got lots of hugs and "I'm sorries", which I might add is the most appropriate response from others.  The reaction that has humored me most is what I call the "pity look".  That is the look that people give you because they know you have just had a devastating experience and they don't know what to say to you.  Sometimes it is accompanied by a "pity pat".  That is the tender patting of your shoulder or arm in conjunction with the "pity look".  Other people couldn't wait to find me alone and pump me for information, obviously hoping to get some "dirt" while I was a bit clouded with anger.  Others that I thought were caring friends actually avoid me.  It was a good friend that caused me to crack at noon that first day.  I thank the Lord that it was lunch time and when I broke down sobbing in her office, she had the good sense to whisk me off to lunch.  When you are grievng it is difficult to take care of yourself and it had not even occurred to me that I would need to eat at some point during that day, but a good friend will take care of you and not let you embarrass yourself. 

Here are some things that a person in my situation may need from you:
Be sincerely sorry that they are grieving and tell them you care for them
Offer to listen if they need to talk but realize we are pretty self-absorbed with our own pain and are not the best company.
Don't further betray their trust by talking to others about their pain.
Tell them about their really wonderful qualities, they feel thrown away like an old pair of shoes.
Offer some supportive words of encouragement, which might be based on faith, depending on the person.
Offer some networking if you can.  They are unsure of our future and scared to death that there is no place for them ever again.
Offer to take them to lunch with you. 

I also feel badly for the people left in the company when a layoff occurs because everyone seems to be walking around in a state fear, pain, or confusion to some degree.  I have seen others of the 18 break down in their offices or in the halls.  People are scrambling for ways to feel secure again.  I get the feeling they would just like to ignore the victims of the layoff so they are not so confronted with their own insecurities and fears.  I don't blame them.  This is a scary time.

Find a way to manage the anger

After three days of feeling totally powerless over my life, I found a moment of relief.  My husband and I took my 9 year old daughter to a haunted scream park.  We had to work our way through 2 horrible haunted houses, with monsters and ghouls jumping out at us, chasing us, and actually scaring me to death.  That only added to my overall feelings of helplessness and anxiety.......  UNTIL we went to the "Zombie Shoot".  I can't recommend it enough for anyone dealing with anger.  It was WONDERFUL!  We walked through a dark and ramshackle "trailer park", where people in scary zombie costumes went after you, chased you, jumped out and scared you...  basically made you want to pee your pants.  The great part about that walk through the scary trail was my rifle.  It was an automatic laser rifle that fit perfectly on my arm.  I pretended I was Angelina Jolie in her toughest mode and shot every single one of those monsters that scared me.  They fell to the ground when you shot them and I shot them a couple of extra times, even when they were down.   It was an empowering experience and I wish I could do it again!  I even had some evil little fantasies about who those zombies represented in my life.  You really should try it!

Grieving through the layoff

I heard the news on a Wednesday at 4pm.  That was 8 days ago.  I was lucky enough to be offered to stay in my position until January.  Additional income and time to adjust and figure out what I wanted to do now with the rest of my life.  I was allowed to stay home on Thursday and Friday to grieve so I could return to work on Monday.  Of course while I was gone at home with a pit in my stomach, the survivors at my place of employment were told about the plight of the rest of us. You can imagine the weekend I had, telling the rest of my family, spending countless hours feeling sorry for myself, doubting myself, fear of the unknown like you can't imagine!  I had never even seriously considering leaving this company I loved.  It was where I wanted to retire.  To be honest, when they told me I didn't have a place there, I was tempted to BEG for a spot.  I was considering anything and everything as an alternative to leaving. 
I returned to work Monday with a pit in my stomach that I can't even describe.  It hurt like hell to walk back in the doors and return to the office that I had spent some much of the last 12 years in.   Everything I looked at seemed to elicit an emotional response in me.  Emotions including sadness, jealousy, confusion, self-loathing, anger, depression, fear, and relief flooded my conscientiousness moment to moment.  


Please return to read more of my blog if you know someone going through this experience or are going through it yourself.  I hope that we can share so that we can have hope for the future.  Post responses if you have coping tips as we take this journey to recovery together.

It seemed like a nightmare

I thought I was having a nightmare.  I could hardly breathe.  I was as composed as I could be, while learning that my position was eliminated, but tears were streaming down my face.  In true "company management" form, my first thought was "who will do the work I am doing?"  I was faced with the realization that I had let my job, my position, define my self-worth.  I drove home from that meeting in a fog and completely devastated.  I am fortunate that my husband is a supportive man and I told him as soon as I could.  - Misery loves company - .  I had to share the burden of this news.  Once at home I was in a total state of shock and disbelief.  How could this be happening to me?  What were they thinking?  Why was I not good enough?  Maybe it was just a dream!  Surely NOT ME!  Telling the kids that night was difficult.  One daughter just started college and moved home so that we could help with tuition and expenses.  She sobbed and cried with me, as she had visions of her dreams swirling down the toilet along with mine.  She was sure that we would be homeless and she would be abandoned.  While I was still in shock and disbelief, I had to force myself to promise her something that I did not feel at all:  We would all be fine!  The little one is only 9 years old and she was oblivious to worry in this situation.  Her needs had always been met in some magical way and she was pretty sure they would continue to be met somehow.  She patted me several times as tears would come and go that evening.  She certainly knew we were sad and maybe scared but I was glad that at least she was insulated from that. 
I needed time to grieve.  I needed time to process.  I needed someone to reassure me that I still had value.
How I made it through that evening I do not know, but I did, with the help of people who loved me.  I thank God for those people every day!  I remember laying down to sleep that night and thinking "when I wake up tomorrow, this will be gone... a dream..."

I was devastated to be layed off

I was invited to a meeting with my CEO on October 20.  It turned out to be a private meeting, just her and me.  The first thing she had to say to me was "your position has been eliminated".  I asked first if she was kidding.  It was quickly clear that she was not.  I saw her struggle emotionally getting the message out to me and I realized I was one of the faceless and nameless victims of today's economy.  I have to tell you, I did not think this would happen to me.  I am the Director of a small business unit that actually makes money for the non-profit company I work for.  I have been in good standing with that company for 12 years, and never believed I would lose the job I loved so much.  In the last week, I have been in the good company of 17 others in my company that are now surviving a "layoff", each in their own individual way.  I have had a week of roller-coaster emotions, insecurities, self-absorption, fears, and anger.  I want to share this all with you, in the hopes that those of us that have lived through this devastating life-event can bring hope, wisdom, and recovery to each other through this blog.  Please stop back frequently, as I have SO much more to share and will be updating this blog site 2 - 3 times per day.