I spend a fair amount of time each day replaying the last year of my job. I think back to conversations and activities that I have engaged in, wondering when someone decided that I did not belong in this company. I wonder how long ago this decision was made. I think of everything I may have done that could have been a mistake and caused this to happen. I try to keep it framed in the manner it was presented to me: that my "position" was eliminated, but I keep returning to the feeling that "I was eliminated". I struggle with self doubt and wonder if I will ever be good enough for any job, a feeling that will truly keep me sitting home in my pajamas and pathetic unless I can shake it!
Now as I try to make different plans for my future, I have some ideas, but none involve working in a corporation in a management position. The thought of the fragility of that next position scares me to death. I really do not want to live through this again.
My future plans are starting to take shape. Unfortunately, without a good dose of self-confidence, I fear I will be crippled in the implementation of my plan. I do not want to work for someone else. I want to work for me. I would like to be a free-lance writer. Even as I have shared this idea tentatively with a few close people, it has seemed ridiculous. Who am I to think I can do something like that? I know I will need to find the conviction to continue through the rejection that writing brings, but with enough support and encouragement I may be able to persevere.
I feel a little better just putting that plan in writing. Thank you for reading it.
No comments:
Post a Comment