Coping through the last week of work

This is my last week to go to work.  It is getting more difficult to go to the job, as I am beginning to actually accept that I will not be going there anymore.  I believe that I am shedding some of the denial this week and the feelings of grief and anger are re-surfacing as the reality that I have been laid off hits me again and again.  My office is cleaned out and most of my responsibilities have been re-assigned.  In fact, I have to train others to do what I believed I was doing well. 
I am looking forward to Friday, when I can walk out of the building for the last time and actually let these wounds start to heal.  Beginning Friday evening, I am going to start my new life; one in which I will find peace and closure.  I will be stronger because of this experience.  I will be a better person.  I have learned and will continue to grow as a result of losing my job. 
Whether they call it "position elimination", "lay-off", "downsizing", or "termination", the grief process is the same.  With pain comes growth... what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.  I am confident that one day I will thank the decision-makers of this organization for this opportunity.  I just wish I could find it in myself to say it to them this week. 

Faith during the loss of a job

I find myself battling depression and fighting back tears during this tough four weeks.  I let my career define me and now that it is gone, I feel shaken.  Being laid off or any sudden job loss will undoubtedly result in feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, fear, anxiety, and depression.  Some sources say this can last up to two years, even if other employment is found.  The challenges this places on us personally can take a toll.  Relationships suffer as money pressures mount.  The depression, along with the self-doubt causes us to isolate ourselves, putting increased pressure on our friends and family to reach out and help pull us up.  This is taxing on those around us as well, and further threatens relationships.  

Many times throughout this ordeal, I have mentioned faith.  Many friends around me tell me they did not know I was "religious".  I don't consider my personal faith to be actually "religious".  I am certainly non-denominational, but I would not call that lacking in faith.  Without something or someone bigger and more powerful to lean on, I would surely be lost.  Sometimes my faith is all I have pushing through the tasks at hand.

Here is my favorite quote from the Bible, not unlike the favorite song I wrote about a few days ago:  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" 

The other quote of note is the one that warns us that "faith without action is dead".  So my new "job" will be to get out of bed every morning and take the action steps that I think are needed, with the belief that He has never let me down before and He will provide for me now and in the future.  

Expenses during this lay-off situation

Today is the famous Black Friday.. the day when all the sales are happening and people are out spending money they don't even have yet.  Not my family, not this year.  I have told my family that Christmas would be tight.  I have explained to them that there would be no luxuries this next year.  It is time for us to focus on what is really important, and it is not extravagant gifts or luxury purchases.
After being laid off and facing the unemployment income reality, we realized that our income is going to be cut in half as a family.  In addition to that, we have to purchase our own health insurance and make the difficult decision whether to pay up to $1,000 per month to have a decent comparable coverage, with a modest prescription plan and co-pays at the doctor, or to spend $300 per month for our health insurance, which would cover only catastrophic illnesses.  Today my daughter had a sudden illness that required us to see a doctor.  I have never had to think so much about the physician expenses.  An office visit is $120 just to see our doctor and the antibiotic injection she needed was a whopping $150 more.  Then we had to pick up two prescriptions from the pharmacy.  What I realized today was that, with our current insurance, which will end January 31, we only paid $40 for all of that.  In the new and scary world we face, that same unexpected illness could cost us $350.  I am really not much of a high-stakes gambler, but these new health insurance options we are faced with are going to make me into one.  We are undecided at this time about the future of our health insurance.
We also had to make a trip to the grocery store.  We found ourselves saying "no" to several things our smallest daughter wanted, and we found ourselves limiting our selections to lower cost items.  I have begun to think of food as a necessary, expensive evil, and the plain label brands somehow now taste better.  We got out of the grocery store with a bill of only $48.
I realize that I still struggle with some "situational" depression.  I have one more week to go to work until I have no office to go to.  I think the feelings might intensify after my "last day", but I am hopeful that soon, it will become more of a normal thought and feeling.  This "lay off" has been tough on me and my family.

My Song, The Climb

My daughter loves Miley Cyrus and she is watching her on tv.  Miley is singing out what has turned out to be my favorite song in the last month or so.. since being laid off from my job..   She actually wrote these lyrics with her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, so she must be a wise young person, and the way she belts it out speaks to my heart and soul.  Here are the lyrics:

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

All that wisdom sung by an 18 year old.  I just had to share...

Small Success - A New Beginning?

After being rejected by the first application for a writing job a week or so ago, I found the courage to apply for another little writing job on line last weekend.   I had to submit a writing assignment specified by the company I was applying to.  The assignment was "write a well-researched 500 word piece on the entertainment and attractions offered in Salt Lake City".  So I dove in and researched, and researched some more.  I took notes and grouped my topics so I could write it just perfectly.  I wrote and re-wrote, and then had my husband tear it apart.  I re-wrote again.  I finally thought it "good enough" (not really - I was worried) and I hit "send" on the application.
Last night at 9pm, I got an email from the company;  I was ACCEPTED!!!  I have to admit I did a bunch of little happy dances right there in the family room.  I have my "first job" as a writer!  That moment of elation last night did me a lot of good today at work.  I felt better and was able to actually believe that leaving my job would not be the end of the world.  I have a vision of what I want to do, but I need to get paid for it, for goodness sake.  I might make it in this crazy pursuit of mine, after all.  I told you this would be a story of success and I am trying to make sure it is!
I think it is human nature for people to want security, and for most, that means a steady income from their job.  A job just does not mean security to me anymore..  go figure.. you lose a little faith in the paycheck guarantee after experiencing a layoff.
Now I can tell my mother that I am gainfully employed as a writer.  I know that will mean a lot to her.  Mothers worry about their children and I know she would be happier if I just told her I had a full time nursing job somewhere, but I know she also wants to support me no matter what I decide to do.  That is just hard for folks who still believe that security comes in the form of a 40 hour work-week and a regular paycheck with benefits.
So, as I promised, I am sharing my happiness and meager beginnings with you.  It is only right since you shared in the pain with me.  Keep reading and let's see where this "free-falling adventure" leads.

One day at a time

The day is drawing near when I have to leave my job.  I have a little over one week left to go to work every day.  I am getting very relieved but very sad.  I made the decision to exit earlier than the final date of January 14.  I had to do it.  Going to work every day is too hard on me.  It is like reliving the grief and loss each morning as I walk in the door to the building.
There are many things I will not miss about the work itself, like the late night phone calls, the decisions I had to make that were unpopular, the stress of knowing that I was responsible for the outcomes of the department, the difficult discussions I had to have with people, and other drudgery of everyone's work.
I will, however, miss the people I have worked with for 12 years.  The smiles, the warmth, the support, the friendships.  I want to find a way to take them all with me... not that I am going anywhere in particular..  just with me in my heart, as if nothing has changed.
I am unsure how to "play" this exit.  There are probably 100 people that I like and have worked with many years.  At least 30 of those people that I will think about often and at least a dozen people that I will miss seeing every day.  How do I stay in touch?  Do I just close this book and start a new one?  Do I go to each of them and trade email addresses next week?  Connect on facebook?  Get phone numbers?  Do I send a mass email next week to all of them wishing them well, asking them to stay in touch?  Or do I just slip out on my last day without acknowledgement? 
I always hoped that my presence in that company would be one that was remembered as positive.  I had always hoped when I left, that I could look back and know that I left the organization better than I found it.  I never really pictured leaving, though, so I don't have a vision for this next week.  I guess the best I can hope for is to take this next few days "one day at a time".

On Blogging

Why do I blog this private journey?  Blogging has turned into a wonderful outlet for me.  I can honestly share the emotional turmoil that follows the loss of my job, self-esteem, and a paycheck.  I truly hope the people reading this will feel empowered to be honest about their situation and feelings and that those who have not experienced a layoff situation like this first-hand can empathize better with those who have.  During the first 5 months of 2010, the United States experienced a 9.7% unemployment rate, and there were frequent and widespread lay-offs reported all over the country.  It seems to be of epidemic proportions.  It also seems that the middle-aged, more seasoned and higher paid staff seem to be the ones getting laid off in this economy.  This epidemic of lay-off is forcing many people to re-think their spending, earning potential, career choices, priorities, etc.
In addition to providing some therapy, blogging has the following benefits:

• It is a way for me to establish myself as a writer and practice my skill.
• My blogs serve as a chronicle of sorts so that I have themes and thoughts gathered in one place in which to draw future short articles, stories, or books to publish.
• It provides me some opportunity to network and hear from others through the comments, so please add comments freely.  I have opened them up so you don't have to sign up in order to leave comments.  I would love to hear from you.
• Most of all, I hope to provide insight or entertainment to people.

Most of my management career, I was told I was too transparent.  The ideal manager would be a role model 100% of the time in thought, word, and deed.  I fell very short of 100% almost every day, as my humanness always seemed to ooze out of me and I never knew what I should be ashamed of about myself to prohibit me from sharing it with others.  I like to embrace my humanity.  I think it is important that we all embrace our individuality and diversity. 
Now that I have discovered blogging, and don't have some false corporate image to uphold day in and day out, I can be just who I am and share it with others.  This sharing with others is what will make me successful at the end of the day.  I am finally real.

Failures and tears - all part of the journey

You cannot have the success without the failures.  Any experience can be transformed into something of value.  Everything depends on the way you look at things.

I took that advice above today and submitted another writing application.  With any luck, I will be approved for this one.  It is just a beginning job writing for a website. Interesting that these little opportunities exist and I never knew about them before.  It took a bit of courage for me to submit again, since being rejected last week for a similar assignment, and the recent experience of the rejection associated with the layoff.  I will let you know what happens. 
I am going to take the attitude that every failure just brings me closer to a success.  Getting in that mindset will take a bit of determination and perseverance.  My attitude is something I have to work on every day.  I can choose the mindset of a winner or the mindset of a loser.  I can quit anytime I want to, but if I put it off every day, then I can eventually succeed.

It was a teary day for me today as the realization that our income (or lack-there-of) would barely meet every day expenses and that our adult children could not count on us as they once had.  Some difficult conversations had to happen.  I had to tell them that they would need to take care of their unexpected expenses and needs.  I took for granted that we would always be able to offer some security for our children, and although I have faith that we will be in a better place someday, today is not the day.  Not to say we don't have the basics of food, shelter, warmth, transportation, etc., but we do not have the spending luxury we had not too long ago.  While I am adjusting to that thought, those around me need to adjust as well.  I haven't felt poor in quite a long time.. maybe 11+ years or so.  Such a humbling experience today and such a growth opportunity!

Fun and Joy

I spent today continuing to get educated on the tasks at hand.  I finished reading the book "The business of the 21st Century" by Robert T. Kiyosaki.  That book has given me some tools and the enlightenment to continue the journey of my life in a new path, after the devastating layoff last month.  It was relaxing and affirming to read.
I also read an entire book concerning blogging, so that I had a better knowledge base to work from.  When I started this blog, I relied only upon intuition, trial and error, and the assistance of my husband for some computer savvy.  I was almost afraid to read the blogging book, for fear of finding out I had done something wrong.  But as it turned out, all is well.  My plan is to start two more blogs of very different types in the next week or so.  I will share them when I get them established.
I think the thing that most made my day today was spending some quality family time with my littlest daughter and husband.  We went to an arcade, ate pizza, spent a few dollars in the arcade games and played laser tag.  The laser tag was almost as fun as the Laser Zombie Shoot I wrote about a few weeks ago.  There is something about being able to "shoot back" when being threatened or afraid that is quite empowering.
We giggled and danced on electronic dance machines (something that I really cannot do well at all).
I spent some time of the phone with a dear friend and built a fire when we returned home from the arcade and I realize tonight that it is NOT a job or title that defines me or gives me the kind of pleasure that matters.  It is the people in my life that matter most and even if there is less money to spend on life's luxuries, it will be worth it to spend more time with my 9 year old and with the rest of  those people that depend on me and love me.  I plan to focus on that priority during the up-coming holidays and not dwell in depression or despair.  There is much to be gained and I am thankful to have the opportunity to gain it.

The secret to getting ahead is getting started

I am still going to work every day for another few weeks and the closer I get to my last day, the more nervous I get about my future.  Today I decided to ignore the fear and just take some steps.  Here are the steps I took today to begin the process that will lead to realization of  my dreams of supporting myself as an author:

1. I networked.  I reached out to two professional people that I have known in my past that I enjoy and respect a great deal.  I asked them to meet with me sometime soon and have two dates set up that I am excited about.  I did not contact them to gain from them, but with the sincere desire to reconnect on a personal level.  These women are brilliant and will provide inspiration, friendship, and ideas.
2. I visited the local library and checked out two books about writing and blogging.  If you don't research and research what you want to do, you will not succeed.
3. I have located another internet-based magazine and have "apply for a writing job" on my to-do list.  Being rejected for a similar assignment a week ago, I learned that I need to approach this process with thoughtful and careful construction of my application.  I will take my time to apply for this position, giving it my very best.  
4. I have ignored the "writer's block" I was experiencing in relation to my blog and written this post.

I must admit that I have been frightened and paralyzed the last few days.  Just about the time I think I should be "over it", it seems to return.  I am reading a book about women who "overthink" that I recommend highly.  Organizing my thoughts, setting my priorities, and taking some steps today were a great antidote for that anxiety.  I feel empowered again to shape my future.  I give credit to all the supportive people around me for giving me the continual courage to keep moving in the right direction. 

What losers call adversity, winners call opportunity

Every day I wake up, either my loser or my winner wakes up with me and shapes my reaction to the day.  We all have a loser and a winner inside of us.  Adversity can be difficult and painful.  It can paralyze us to take no action or it can even cause us to take a road that will lead to more pain and destruction. 
The loser tells you to settle for a crumb, the winner tells you to reach for new heights.  The loser provides you the anxieties and tells you "you can't do it", the winner says "no pain, no gain... go for it".
I have a winner on one shoulder and a loser on the other shoulder.  I am getting better at ignoring my loser, even though he tries to sway my attitude frequently.  Today I let the winner tackle an intimidating project that I needed to accomplish and I got it done in record time!  Today I let the winner inside make a decision that I feared making.  I make a decision that will shape the rest of my life for the better or worse.  I choose to frame this "position elimination" as an opportunity for the winner in me to succeed.  I don't think I ever would have had the courage to make this decision for myself.. too risky.  I don't like risk.  I don't like fear.  I don't like rejection... at all.  Yet here I am leaving behind something that is at least steady and secure and following my dreams.  Yes, the winner in me dares to dream.  With action and faith, I believe I can make these dreams the reality of my future.  Every day gives me another opportunity to get closer to the place I want to be.

Great friends are important!

I am fortunate to have some great friends in my life.  I think I will find even more true friends in my new quests.  One in particular, reached out to go to dinner with me tonight and shared a great deal with me.  She had a message of wisdom for me.  I think it will help me stay focused on the positive and keep the negative thoughts from taking control of me.  One of the interesting things she had to say was that we have no business wondering what others think of us.  It doesn't matter and we will never know.  The thoughts that we have that cripple us emotionally are only thoughts.  They don't matter and they can be distracted.  From now on, when I have negative, crippling thoughts, I will focus my thinking on something that makes me truly happy.  I look forward to more suppers with this wise friend.
My other friend and biggest supporter of late sent the following quote to me:

GREAT EXPECTATION PRECEDES GREAT SUCCESS High expectation always precedes high achievement.  You're as small as your controlling desires,  or as great as your dominant aspirations. Once your mind stretches to a new idea it never goes back to its original dimensions. Think little goals and you can expect little achievement.  Think big goals and you'll win big success.   The first ingredient of your success is to dream a great dream. You must dream big and think big to be big. Thanks to 2 wonderful women, I am at piece tonight and I think it will last for awhile.    This is the book I have been reading to help expand my business head to allow me to feel free to take risks in order to start my new life as my own advocate, marketer, entrepreneur, and successful business woman without the risk of someone else removing my livelihood from me!  It is a good short read and definitely worth it!

It wasn't a nightmare - back to the challenge of acceptance

I woke up this morning and am preparing to return to work.  The residual sadness of yesterday is still with me and I have had to fight back tears a couple of times.  The good news is that my husband held me and told me it would be ok, and that I would be fine.. we would be fine.  It is so important to have someone special in your corner 100%.  His faith in me carries me when I don't have faith in myself.  I am very grateful for him and I hope everyone has someone in their life like him.
I remember a quote from a book I am reading that strikes me hard this morning.  The author writes about having a "winner" and a "loser" in each of us.  He never knows which one of them will wake up with him each day.  It is important in times of shaken faith, and self-doubt that you somehow bring that "winner" forward and push that "loser" back.
Failure is such a "dirty word", yet it is exactly what leads us toward a path of growth and self-discovery.  Without failures in our lives, we would not know successes.  Without mistakes, we would not learn.  No one wants to look failure in the eyes and deal with it, but the "winner" in each of us can do exactly that!  The "winner" says:  So you failed at that, ok, your human, what have you learned, and how can you do it better the next time.  The "loser" wallows in self-doubt and despair.
My 9 year old little girl is still innocent and she never lets her "loser" get the best of her.  She wakes up a winner every morning and she learns quickly.  I hope it is not just the innocence of youth that gives her that great attitude each and every day.  I hope she can maintain that throughout her life.  I learn so much watching her take risks and trying her best and being happy with her results.
I can accept this situation with grace and hope.  I can have faith that this failure is just an opportunity for huge success.  I won't stay in bed and hope it was a nightmare.  I will deal with the situation rationally and realistically.  I will move forward.
Fergie sings a song with a line that says: "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I gotta get a move on with my life...  It's time to be a big girl now... and big girls don't cry"  (my new mantra today).

Hit the bottom again today

How can I describe the pain of today to people who have not gone through it?  I did not see this coming this morning.  I was happy and optimistic about my future when I got to work.  I really miss my friends.. sounds like a 4rth grader, doesn't it?  NEVER make your work friends the sole source of your social network.  Shame on me for filling that friend bucket in that way!  I had a peer group that I loved dearly and we had something in common.  We were all working toward the same outcome and I truly love these women I work with!  They were my friends.  Lately as I take the role of an invisible outsider, I feel them slip from me.  That hurts!  Not that they are hurting me, but that the situation is hurting me.  Then the last straw was sitting in a meeting discussing the future of the business and the group, and activities planned, it became unbearably real that I would never participate in or with that group again.  One of the things I actually loved about my job was working with this particular group of people and having some voice in how things would work at the company.  Now that is gone and I am devastated all over again today.  I had to leave the meeting early.  No one saw me break down in tears, except another colleague in the same situation as I.  Her job has been eliminated too.  I don't know how much longer I can act strong and remain positive, but I will return to work tomorrow and do just that!  I don't really want others to see the pain.  It is embarrassing, even more so when others don't seem to understand it!  They say to me "you didn't seem to like your job" (really? do you seem to love your job everyday?), or they say "it will get better" (ok, but when?  I am ready).  Or they say nothing at all, as they don't know what real thing to say to this kind of hurt. 
Tonight  I want to go to bed and wake in the morning from this nightmare.  I want my life back, even with it's frustrating or pitiful moments.  I want to remain in the same environment that I was in prior to October 20.  So someone wake me up, hold me close, and tell me that it was a nightmare... tell me it will be ok... and mean it somehow.

The story of a journey

Ultimately this is the story of a journey.  The journey from devastation, loss, and grief, to peace and success.  Most of us have the mindset that being an employee is the way to security and climbing the ladder of success will bring us happiness.  Although that didn't work so well for me, I truly hope it works out differently for you.  I spend a good amount of time each day wondering where I will end up and what will define my success in the future.  My success was so rooted in the climb of the corporate ladder that I never let myself contemplate anything different.  I assumed life was stable and predictable.  I should have known.  I would have known if I had my eyes open.  I hope that reading this blog will open your eyes.  Not to the frightening end of being laid off a job, but the idea that your job does not define you and you cannot plan on being employed at the same place at the same salary forever.  Have a back up plan.  I wish I would have saved more money and spent less on the trappings of clothes and jewelry and such.  I wish I had invested in something of worth so this transition would not be so scary.  But I did not save any.  In fact I spent more than I was earning and we just recently began to focus on reducing our overall debt.  I just did not think this would happen to me. 
I think I have found peace in the decision to "free-fall".  I have weighed many, many factors, including my happiness and serenity.  I still plan to pursue something that is dependent more on my own hard work and less on the ability of a big company to write a sensible budget that includes me in the line items each year.  I am happy with the overall decision to embark on a new adventure but also a little scared, not knowing how the story will end, or even having the final plan developed.
I had my first disappointment today.  It was interesting.  I applied to be a writer for a website.  I thought it was a no-brainer.  Of course they would accept me.  I must admit that I did not put 200% into that application process, and guess what?  It took them barely 24 hours to REJECT ME!  What was interesting is that I expected to be fully devastated by that first rejection, but I think I am growing up.  I stepped back from that rejection and thought:  what can I learn from this?  So I learned to be more patient and put forth more effort in the future.  I will keep trying and I am pretty sure this will not be the last rejection in my new pursuits. 
I had another moment of gratitude today when I learned of 3 close family/friends who are currently suffering greatly with depression, anxiety, fear, sadness, personal loss, and self-doubt..... and they all HAVE JOBS!
I am blessed with the people around me who love me and hold me in high esteem (even when I do not), and who need my shoulder to cry on when things are tough.  I am no longer weak and devastated.  I feel more "whole" than I did even before the news of lay off.  I have grown a bit on this journey already.  A week ago, Sunday evening, I was dreading going back to work on Monday am, but I am not dreading tomorrow.  It is just another day in my journey.....

You don't reap rewards without risk and hard work

I have been reading a great book given to me by a friend.  It has a message about the difference between being an employee and being an entrepreneur.  It talks about climbing the corporate ladder in a job and no matter how high you climb, the view you see is that of someone's behind.  I think I can relate to that.  There are thousands and thousands of people in my position in this world.  We put all of our hopes and dreams into doing a good job at a company and counting on that company to take care of us.  We call this security.   It is false security.  Our security comes from depending on ourselves to create our own income potential.  Being laid off was not related to doing a good job or being a valued or like employee.  It came down to being a budget line item in a world in which companies must protect their bottom line.  At least I have the peace of mind now to know it was not a personal or malicious decision made to take my job from me.  It was just business.  That does not make this any less devastating to me, but I am happy to have been reading and networking, and exploring my options.  I have a plan that revolves diversification of my talents.  I will begin writing and in fact I plan on starting several more blogs this next week.  Blogs make money through the advertisers on the page.  I have applied for a job as an on-line author, that pays a bit.  I have started an ebay business and have made a little money this weekend.  I am eligible to draw unemployment for a few months while I work on building these other businesses, and I am going to begin a network marketing career as well.  All the things I learned about business and management in the last 15 years can pay off for me to build myself a completely different career.  It will not be without a lot of hard work and thoughtfulness but I can do it!  I am going to begin my new life by taking a plunge without a parachute.  I am excited about it.

More confusion about the right path

It has been another tough couple of days.  My mind is just over-thinking this situation like crazy.  I wake at 4:30 am, unable to sleep, with indecision, a little anxiety, and a lot of soul searching.  Those thoughts continue off and on throughout the day as well, distracting me from whatever I need to be focusing on at the time.  The turmoil is not near the intensity it was a few weeks ago, but I still wish I could get back to that peace of mind I had found for a short time.  You see, I think the serenity came from the acceptance of my situation.  I did not have a job and I could not change that.  I had a dream, a plan to pursue that dream and the support of my family and I had become comfortable with that course of action.  I am not saying that pursuing a dream is not a little scary, but in the face of having no job, it seemed a reasonable course of action at the time.  Now there is an opportunity to have a job at this company again.  I don't think it is a job that I will enjoy.  In fact I am pretty sure I would not like it but it is an income and some security (although that is a laughable statement because I thought I had security of employment a month ago too).   I had prayed to have guidance in my next steps, and thought that I had the answer.  Now this "opportunity" is in front of me and it throws me into a state of doubt.  I found this quote tonight:  "For every failure, there's an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour."  Mary Kay Ash

My question is:  Which detour?  Which course of action?  Take the "secure" job with a predictable income that I don't really think I will enjoy OR take the route of following my unconventional and risky dreams with no guarantee of any income?

In my search this evening I also found this quote:  "Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success."  Dr. Joyce Brothers  It doesn't say "worry about all the what ifs until you are completely paralyzed with the inability to take action." 

I know which route I am leaning toward...  what would you do?   I have changed the settings on my blogspot to allow anyone to post comments more readily, so go ahead and share your thoughts.

Anger, Pride, and Power

There are certain human conditions, emotions, and realities that we are not supposed to have, feel, or experience. For women, this societal restriction is even greater. As I spend much of my day running a gamut of emotions, I am beginning to wonder why some are taboo.
A woman who is angry, even if justified, will be labeled a bitch. Women are supposed to be unflappable and never show their anger. On the other hand a man can have an angry outburst and be forgiven, accepted, and remain unlabeled. This puts a strain on women and puts us at risk for health problems and a variety of societal repercussions. I would like to assert that a little anger is a normal human reaction. We should feel it when we are wronged. We should feel it when others are wronged. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry. How we handle that emotion is what makes it wrong. Denial of our anger will cause us to continue to let others "wrong us". Denial of a basic human protective emotion such as anger will cause your body to turn against itself. I think that is what I have been referring to as "the pit in the bottom of my stomach". That "pit" stayed with me for the first entire week of this experience and it comes and goes now. I can't eat while I have that "pit" and I wake in the middle of the night with that "pit" sometimes. The only way to rid myself of it is to admit what I am angry about. To identify a target for my anger is healthy, for I am beginning to see anger as a self-protection mechanism. When I don't allow myself to feel it, it turns into a form of self-loathing and shame. I turn the anger inwards and take the blame for the hurt upon myself. That is not healthy nor productive and will lead me to repeat the same situation over again. You know the old adage: "The definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results". If a snake bit you once, would you continue to put your hand near it's mouth? I hope not.
Which brings me to pride. One of the definitions of pride according to our friends at Wikipedia is: the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection. So when used in a positive sense, it reflects the level of one's self-esteem. We hear about women with "self-esteem" issues and wonder why women let life kick them over and over again, while at the same time, associate another societal taboo to "pride". The opposite of pride is humility. Women, especially, are told to remain "humble". So one is good and the other bad, right? NO. Without a measure of pride in myself, I would have stayed with the first two destructive marriages. Without feeling some pride in my accomplishments, I would not have looked to succeed further. Without a little bit of pride, I would accept any crumb thrown at me, when I am capable of more! So can pride be a bad thing? Yes. In excess, pride can be destructive, we know that. It can cloud our view of the world and actually prevent us from taking the steps we need to in order to succeed. But I will keep some of my pride and self-worth and not settle for something I will not be happy doing, so don't tell me not to think with my pride.
Power. The last "dirty" word I will write about today. The word is rarely used but is vitally important. Women, especially, are made to feel like they shouldn't use their "power", for fear of misuse of their power. In a position of authority, power is a dirty word. But we all have power. If not power given to us formally in a position of authority (which I might add, even applies to anyone who is a parent, and not just reserved for executives), then we all have at least personal power. We all have influence over others in some form.  It is not that we have the power to influence, but HOW we use that power to influence others.  Do you use your power to influence others in a positive way or to cause others to behave in a negative way?  Embrace your personal power and use it to help others.  If you cannot see how to help others, then at least use your power to influence yourself.  The most power you have is over yourself, your emotions, your behaviors, and most of all, your destiny.
So I will let anger help me avoid future mistakes and dangers and use pride to keep my head held high and leave a company in better shape than I found it.  Most of all I will use my personal power to do good for others and keep myself on the right track emotionally.

I believe in myself and have faith in the Lord

I am making some risky decisions these days.  Abandoning the thought of conventional employment to pursue a dream is frightening.  I have faith in myself today.  I don't expect to get rich overnight, by any means, but there IS security in following my heart and there is serenity in my faith in the Lord and in myself.  I realize that others will look at me skeptically and that is ok.  Only the most important people in my life need to be in my corner.  The rest of the world really doesn't matter.  I do not have malice towards those that don't believe...  I understand.  I have been there.  My dream at one time was to climb a corporate ladder and make more money.  I did not understand those that wanted something different either.  My dream now is to be secure in different ways.  I have come to terms with the fact that I will have less money to spend.  Money does not seem as important to me as it once was, as it cannot buy security, self esteem or people who really love me.  The important thing now is my recovery back to a whole person and making sure my family's needs are met.  I am grateful that there will be enough money to meet our needs.  Will that mean we have less than we have now?  Yes, but certainly not less of the things that matter. 

For today, I am grateful

I have realized some things today:

• Humor will see you through tough situations (as long as you are not laughing at others)
• Only you are in charge of your own reaction to situations
• You have power and strength within yourself to rise above anything
• No one can make you feel inferior without your cooperation (yes, trite, but true)
• Music can soothe your soul
• You should not define yourself by your title (define yourself by who you are inside)
• True friends come out in the worst of times (you will then know who they really are)
• The people you want to surround yourself with are the ones with pure souls
• You can dream big and reach your dreams if you put forth the effort

I have been in a "good place" for a solid 24 hours.  I think the turning point came last night when I realized that I had snapped at both my children living at home.  That is not the person I want to be, nor is it fair to them.  They deserve better than that.  I felt really bad about that and I think it spurred me to take back control of my attitude.
I spent the entire day at work finding humor in the simplest things and situations.  I actually laughed out loud several times and even poked fun at myself.  I did not make fun of others to lift my spirits though.
I choose uplifting songs to listen to on the way to work and on the way home.  I burned a CD that I titled "strong music".  Some of the songs on it are "I will survive" (Gloria Gaynor), "The climb" (Miley Cyrus), "No more drama" (Mary J Blige), and  "Woman in the Moon" (Barbara Streisand)  Those songs are great to sing along with when no one can hear you.  The messages in those lyrics kept me in a place of inner strength.
I found solace in true friends around me and had conversations only with supportive people.  I discussed my big dreams with one particular friend and found comfort in her ability to relate to those dreams and her encouragement to me to follow my own path.
When I returned home from work tonight, I was happy to be around my family again.  I spent some time helping the little one with homework and I am looking forward to some quiet time with my husband.  It feels good to be at peace again, if even just for 24 hours.

Tomorrow is probably the last nice weather day for us for several months and I am planning on finding more joy tomorrow, just like today.  I know with the grief cycles, that this may not be my "permanent" state of mind through the next 9 1/2 weeks and longer, but it is sure encouraging and relieving to feel it today.  For today, I am grateful.

Hope

Today I return to work with some hope.  It sounds a bit small at first but if my dreams are to make money from my writing and have a successful semi-retirement in a few months, then I have my first little bit of hope.
My personal business plan is unconventional and risky for most people.  According to others, I am a risk taker and don't necessarily belong in the corporate world.  Now I suspect they really said that because I ride a Harley Softail and don't subscribe to the "normal" conventions or have the "normal" interests that they have.  But perhaps they have have a point.  I know that I have spent entirely too much energy trying to "fit" into the mold that was expected of me.  I also know that I apparently fell short of accomplishing a complete "fit".
So be it.
I will go my own way and pursue my own interests.  There is going to be an avenue opening for me so that I can do what makes me happy and still make enough money to meet my needs.  If it is not a corporate management job 9 - 5, then it will be something else.  If I don't try, I will never succeed.  If I have fear, it will paralyze me, and if I don't take risks, I will not realize the great rewards.  My new mantra will be "Never fear, Never quit"! 
Thanks to all of you who are reading my blog.  You are the ones that give me the hope and encouragement to keep on going today.  I hope that I can share a little encouragement and strength with you.

All the things I won't miss

I went to work again today, trying to have a good attitude.  It didn't work at first.  I got really teary with my best friend there at work and felt so bad for her, having to put up with my pity party again today!  So I left her office and went back to mine, closed the door and tried to dive into getting my business in order so I could exit my position.  A graceful exit is not an easy thing to do when you have so much invested in a company.  All my friends are there and they will stay there while I cannot.  I have a lot of items on my plate to "clean up" and "finish", complete with deadlines within the next 10 weeks.  While they are still paying me to go, I need to work my list to the best of my ability, even though I really don't want to invest another minute there.  It is a crazy, kind of conflicting feeling to be at my desk.  I am still getting paid to share my "intellectual property" and time.

But that is not what tonight's blog is about, is it?  It is how I finally found some peace to my day - midway through it.  I started thinking about all the things I would not miss about my job in management.  Things such as: 

• Driving to work and all over the state in the winter weather
• Taking care of patients when there is not enough staff
• Worrying about not having enough staff
• Scheduling staff and getting phone calls and text messages all evening long.
• Having to wear certain clothes, make-up, etc every day.
• Struggling to present that corporate image every day and pleasing everyone.
• Having people tell me they are disappointed in something I have worked hard on.
• Office politics
• Being on call basically 24/7/365.  When there is no one to do it, I have to do it, and act happy about it.
• Meetings
• Hiring people, firing people, coaching people, uck.....

These things are sort of like my list of things I will be grateful for when they go away.  I liken it to the story of the lion with the thorn in his paw.  He had carried the thorn in his paw for so long that he did not realize it hurt him so bad, until it was removed and he felt the immense relief of walking without pain.  I think I may be so relaxed after January 14th, that I melt into a little pool of butter.  There is some part of me that can hardly wait until the day after my last day!  Now I just have to see if this feeling of some peace will last into tomorrow.  God willing, it will!

I took that motorcycle ride

After some convincing by my husband, I made myself take that motorcycle ride.  I rode east on interstate 80, as fast as the speed limit would allow.  Then I rode slowly back towards home through town as the sun set.  I have to say I found a great deal of peace in that ride.  I allowed myself to do something that I enjoy and I loved every minute of it.  The feeling of riding my motorcycle is the closest thing to what I imagine the feeling of flying to be.  It is complete freedom while maintaining total control.  No one took my joy from me.  I will still have many many moments of joy in my life.
I am even ready to go back to work tomorrow.  I can do this. 
It may be much more able to finally get over these feelings when my 10 weeks is up and I don't have to go and pretend anymore.  I found a little bit of the real me today again, and I am not so bad.  I certainly do not deserve to be thrown away by anyone, nor feel that way.

The anger is killing me

I am consumed with anger this weekend.  Depression doesn't even begin to describe these emotions.  I am mad as hell at the people that caused me this pain.  I have thrown myself into physical work today, hoping to get some relief but it isn't coming.  I don't think I have ever felt quite so victimized, helpless, and afraid.
I am chewing myself up.  My stomach actually hurts today.  I have to go to work tomorrow and act as if I don't have all this bottled up. 
It is a beautiful November day today.  My husband thinks I ought to go for a motorcycle ride.  He is out enjoying his ride.  I am afraid to ride.  I am afraid I will take risks that I should not.  I don't know if I can focus adequately or even be safe out there in this state of mind and even that makes me mad.  So now not only has my job been taken from me, my joy has been compromised as well.
It sure would be nice to hear from anyone else that has experienced this.  Please post a comment if you have any words of wisdom or have lived successfully through this.  I try to think that all will work out better in the end but I am not sure if I believe that today.

How will you face adversity?

There are many times in our lives when adversity and challenge hits us right between the eyes like a two by four.  The sudden loss of a job is just one of them.  I have experienced others as well, as all of you have.  I have ended two horrible marriages, raised children by myself, experienced frightening illness, and experienced the death of a loved one.  I will not tell you that this is the worst I have gone through, for it is not.  The reason this is not the worst is that I have more living under my belt and more wisdom.  I have faith, friends, and a loving supportive family.  I will be all right and I know I will figure out a way to land on my feet, stronger for this experience, than I was before it.  I heard a great story the other day.   The original source is unknown.  It went something like this:

A young woman was complaining about how difficult her life was.  Her father asked her to put 3 pots of water on the stove and bring them to boil.  In one pan he put carrots, in another he put an egg, and in the last pan he put coffee.  After several minutes of boiling, the daughter asked him what he was trying to prove.  He said this:  "The boiling water represents adversity in your life.  Will you be like the carrot, becoming limp and and giving up?  Or will you be like the egg and get hard?  Or will you become like the coffee; transforming the water into something better?"

What will I do?  What would you do?  I hope to be like the coffee and transform adversity into triumph!  And here is the beautiful thing:  I have the choice, as do you.

So now I am REALLY excited!

A dear friend sent me a message today.  It read: 

SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE ARE DREAMERS

 

Your dreams are your visions of where you'll be after the battle, your prize at the end of your journey to success. Your goals are the steps you take to finally attain your prize.

 Unless you're willing to work hard and establish some discipline in your life, all of your dreams will be pipe dreams, little mental fantasy trips that will never materialize.

Make concrete steps toward fulfilling your ultimate dream, and start with solid objectives called goals.  Your dreams are where you want to go, your goals are how you get there.

 The first indispensable step to getting the things you want out of life is this.  Decide what you want.

 Don't be afraid to think big and dare to be great. Dreamers are not content with mediocrity. They never dream of going half way.

 People with goals succeed because they know where they're going.

Dream BIG girlfriend. It’s fun and it produces!

So all day I have been dreaming...........mmmmmm......   do you know what I have been most dreaming about?  JUST BEING MYSELF again, 'cause I am good enough!

I have difficulty focusing

I find myself jumping from emotion to emotion and from task to task.  With so much to do, plan for, change, and fear, I just can't seem to get my thoughts straight.  Examples of real things that have to be handled in order to un-entwine my life from my employer: 

• My computer has to be cleaned up... all my personal files have to be saved and sent home to my PC.
• My work electronic files have to be cleaned up so they are catagorized so someone else can understand them and find what has been done.
• Email; After 12 years of the same "stable" email account, there are many other things connected to the email so I have to think of all of those and get a new email account to transfer items to.
• Email contacts:  I have relationships with professional people in the community and I want the chance to "explain" to them in my own way and professionally, that I will no longer be at this organization, but I will still be around in the community.  I would also like the opportunity to "save face".
• Insurance.  Since I was the sole insurance provider for my family, I will have to find new independent insurance coverage for our family of four.
• There are countless nooks and crannies in my office that have personal belongings of mine in them.  I have a bookcase of books, drawers of files, pictures, decorations, etc.  I have already taken out 2 rubbermaid loads of stuff and a cart of plants and I think there is at least another rubbermaid load needing to be taken home. 
• Finish half completed work items while I am here so that I leave the organization in the best way possible.
• Decide which friends will go with me when I leave and make sure I gather appropriate contact information for them.

Other things that I can't focus on include the plans for my future.  There are so many things I want to try and do so I find myself planning and thinking about a variety of personal things as well, such as:

• Get the family all to the dentist before my dental insurance runs out.
• Start more blogs so I can continue in my writing, how to best market those blogs, what the topics should be, etc.
• Ebay business needs to get started.  There are a variety of things in my house that need to be listed on ebay in order for me to clean house while making a little income.
• How does one apply for unemployment?  I need to figure that out.
• We need a will in case something happens to us.
• We need to tighten our spending belts even more as a family so that we can remain taken care of when my income is much lower.
• I want to begin a new needlepoint project.
• I want to finish my current sewing project.
• I want to pursue new leisure activities.
• I need to prepare the kids for a smaller Christmas.
• I need to take care of my mother and father, who's needs seem to be growing.
• I need to take care of my 2 girls at home and make sure they get their daily needs met.
• And then of course are the needs of my husband.....

Now these lists seem manageable and probably much like your own list of things but the difference now is that my emotions are so labile.  I jump from morose to relieved to excited to angry, and it doesn't take much of a push to elicit any of these.  So my focus jumps as well and I can't really seem to finish any particular thing.  During any acute emotional stage, I can only focus on some of the above tasks.  For instance if I am angry, I have to leave the sewing machine because when it skips a stitch, I come unglued.  When I am depressed I cannot believe in myself enough to even blog or be productive.  So the growing list of tasks that need to be done have to fit in between the variable emotions.  No wonder I don't sleep very well at night!

I feel shame

I am frustrated by the fact that this situation causes me shame.  I think it hurts my pride.  I am angry that I feel ashamed.  Logically, I know that I did not do anything wrong to cause this situation.  I was not FIRED!  My position was eliminated due to budget considerations.  That should be enough to allow me to be blameless, right?  But something deep inside is feeling very low and unworthy.  Maybe this is because I know that there were only 6 people out of 200 that had their positions eliminated and I was one of them.  There seemed to be no department restructure issue that caused my lay-off.  The work I did will still have to be done by someone, so what made me so unworthy to continue to do that work?  That must the be crux of the shame.  It is unfortunate that the shame attacked today while at work.  I spent most of the morning with hot wet eyes, holding back the feelings and tears.  By afternoon, I was better able to hold it together but it was not a good day.  There was a party at work today for all the volunteers and employees.  Everyone seemed to be laughing and having a great time, but it only made me acutely aware that I would miss these times.  I resented the people who are having fun right in the midst of my pain.  ugh.....  Yet I don't want their fun denied to them either.  Many of them seem scared that they will be next.  I will be free of this frightening environment but many others will remain after I leave but live in fear. 

I am "out"

After 2 weeks of guardedly telling a few friends about my lay off situation, I have made a very "freeing" decision.  I just posted the following on facebook to announce my new "stay at home" situation to the world. 
"I am leaving the corporate management environment after the first of the year to pursue some entrepreneurial ventures. We are kind of excited at our house to see what comes of this next year. "Never fear, Never quit"
I have been kind of skulking around the issue with friends outside of work and a little ashamed to say "I was laid off", or "my position was eliminated".  Those words were just so demoralizing and still bring shame to me when I say them.  Perhaps I still feel that it was me, Julie, that was eliminated and not my position.  Nonetheless, it has been a difficult message to deliver to folks.
Today I spent the day with my mother and a group of our friends, none of whom knew about my situation.  They all know I am a full time employee and wondered how I got today off.  We were discussing my mother's up-coming surgery in mid-January and I was talking about being there to help her and it just seemed like these women in the car needed some explanation of my suddenly-found freedom after the first of the year.  
So I just made an announcement very similar to the one I posted on facebook tonight.  It seemed to go over pretty well in the car.  I told them Mike's business was doing well (that is true), and that he was excited to allow me to pursue some dreams (also true), and that my family was happy to be having me home (also true).  It just felt SO much better to make it seem like my decision.  I suddenly feel more empowered and in control of my life.  
I also appreciate that my pain is more private now and people do not feel the need to pity me.  I have always been a very independent woman and a strong bread winner for my family.  This will be the first time in my life that I have drawn from unemployment (and I hope the last time).  It will be the first time in the last 34 years that I did not have at least a full time job to attend.  
Perhaps I am recovering after-all.

Stages of grief and loss

I voted tonight in our local election.  My civic-minded twenty year old was really excited to drag me along to the polls, although I did not care to participate at all.  I shared with her my feelings of apathy and depression and she reminded me there were several stages to grief and loss.  She had the insight to name all the stages and tell me where I was in those stages - depression.  She reminded me that depression was the stage right before the feelings of acceptance and with that feeling of acceptance I would be free and be myself again.  My daughter is special in many ways but I did not expect this moment of clarity from her tonight.  I asked her if it was, indeed, possible to live through a situational depression like this and she responded "I do it frequently".  So funny... and not.  I thought I had left that twenty-something turmoil and drama behind many years ago and now I find myself struggling with it once again.  Maybe you never get too old for turmoil but it becomes less frequent.  I thank the LORD for that!

I did some research on the stages of grief and loss:
Shock and Denial:  This denial protects you from an overload of pain all at once.  It is for your own good.
Pain and Guilt:  Although the pain is real and intense, it is important to allow yourself to feel it and not deny, avoid, or mask this pain with alcohol or drugs.  It is not uncommon to have guilt or remorse about things you did or didn't do.  During this time life feels especially chaotic and scary.
Anger and Bargaining:   This anger can be directed at anyone.  It can damage your relationships.  Be careful with these emotions.  Along with this anger comes the bargaining in vain with any "powers that be" in order to escape your pain. 
Depression, Reflection, Loneliness:  Just when your friends may think you should be "getting over it", a period of sad reflection may overwhelm you. Do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you may finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, and reflect on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

The Upward Turn:  The beginning of acceptance.  You have less physical symptoms and you are beginning the healing.

Reconstruction and Working Through:  The fog lifts and you begin developing practical solutions to the problems and challenges before you.  Your life will begin to knit back together.

Acceptance and Hope:  This does not mean instant happiness but you are fully living at this point and will be able to accept and deal with life as it is.

My daughter was wise, as was the advise of a dear friend recently:  You may feel a bit of all these emotions in any given day.  Don't try to define what you think you should be feeling, but feel what it is so you can move past it.  There is no direct path from the shock of learning the news to the recovery from that news.  The road to recovery from being laid off is filled with twists and hair-pin turns.  You may think one day you are past a stage, only to have it consume you the next day. 

Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, share what you can share with those you trust and those strong enough to support you, don't lash out and burn your bridges, and have patience.  A little faith doesn't hurt a darn thing either.  In as much as you can give to your "higher power", give it away. 

Let's find something positive to talk about

Although many moments of my days are filled with anger and depression, I do have some positive moments.  I felt a huge sense of relief today at work when I was thinking about all the things I would not miss.  It seemed like a great idea to leave and collect unemployment in my pajamas while I begin new ventures.  Sometimes change is good, and I am a firm believer that when God closes a door, he opens a window.  In this case the door slammed shut on me and blew several windows open.  The options are endless and I have learned so much through this experience.  I will be a much more compassionate human being because of this.  I will take risks easier because of being forced to take this path.  I will choose the company and job I work for carefully after this experience so that I can make sure it is a good fit for me.  I will not fear as much, as I have confronted fear and I have faith that I will come out on top in the long run.  Life is NEVER certain for any of us.  Anything could happen tomorrow that would effect the rest of our life and our dreams.  The wise words of a friend today told me "it is not what you do but in how you handle life".  I will take that advice to heart and make the very best out of the situation(s) that confronts me.