This too shall pass

Everytime I think I am handling all of this so remarkably well, I get slapped across the face with a wave of sadness.  Today, thinking about Christmas being just 2 weeks away, I started to cry.  It came totally out of the blue.  It is just hard to face a Christmas that was so uncertain, with no way to pay off the credit card for the usual purchases I have made in the past for the kids.  With an uncertain financial future, we must make some sacrifices and this is just a crappy time of year to make those sacrifices.  Children want so much, and frankly mine are used to having most of what they want eventually.  Not this year.  Christmas has been called off for the adult children and adult family members, with plans to scale down what we do for the little ones.  Yes, it is supposed to be about family and Jesus and all that, and it is, but it has always been about presents too.  This was the time of year to dig deep and give what we would pay off in January. 
It is not necessarily a bad thing for the kids.  None of us really need anything we don't have already.  The problem isn't disappointing them, I think it is disappointing myself.  I have been playing a lot of the "I should have, could have, would have if I had just known" game in my head.  That is pretty self destructive.  It is not making me feel better.  It is not leading me to acceptance of this situation.  It is just contributing to this self doubt.  I need to shake it off.
I keep reading about doing an "honest self assessment" in order to know what you want in your future or what you should be pursuing, but I am still unable to complete an honest self assessment.  I am feeling pretty low right now and what I do well is not occurring to me easily.
In the meantime, I battled the grief today and set up the Christmas tree.  I continue to step one foot in front of the other in hopes that this will pass and one day it will all seem normal again inside of me.  One thing that helps me is that I have lists of tasks every day that need to be done and I make sure I keep trudging through them one at a time to continue to have a feeling of accomplishment and forward movement.  I suppose "this too shall pass".